Fighting the last bits of gravity before I can escape the atmosphere of the Known.
A blank and endless Space
Expansive, mysterious
Relentless.
Billions and Billions of stars
Bright, twinkling, distant,
Dull, dim, and difficult to see.
Exploding, dying, giving birth to new stars.
Seen from the past with clarity
Yet their present can only be projected
Based on models we have created
That follow the Rule of our Logic
And work within our frames of reference.
All that we know-
All that we know
we project, and see patterns in this expanse
that make sense.
Divine detail, vast potential.
Beauty, cold, distant- molded into a form we can understand,
label and measure,
yet not see.
The light of our own star is so bright that it sustains us
the Past sustains us.
And we dwell there, thoroughly in our mind,
blood cells made of regret oxygenate our body
memory is a pulse that flutters
sometimes strong and steady, then irratic.
Shame, isolation, fear, doubt, pride, and joy.
Steady the pulse with Gratitude and look outward
beyond the body, beyond our planet and our star
Beyond at the giant sea of infinite yearning
that escapes our ability to know
and understand.
Where the silence is dead and unforgiving,
Where what Is now may not be
And is Absolute
The future is
Wednesday, March 29, 2017
Saturday, March 25, 2017
Reflections on No Man's Land Preview and Panel
I've always wanted to fit in somewhere, to find a community that I belong to and that gets me. Church and college never did it for me- too many people taking the moral high ground and jumping to judgement before really looking at the person in front of them. The Portland theatre community never did it for me- too focused on rehashing stories that had already been told because everyone wants to see stories they know- Death of a Salesman, Shakespeare, and musicals will sell better than work that asks real questions. The film industry kind of did it for me but it's still a very male and unhealthy work environment that lives up to every crazy rumor you've ever heard. The Mazamas kind of sort of did it for me but never really felt like the community for me, they're a big organization with their own politics and ways of doing things that work for them, but don't adapt well to improvisation and in many ways still need to move into the 21st century.
On March 13th, 2017, I think I finally found a community that gets me. There's an intersectional feminist climbing community that's small and growing and has some really cool things to say.
Sometimes when I'm riding the chairlift up at the ski resort or stuck on the wall trying for a tough move, my mind will wander into nebulous thoughts of "how did this come to be like this?" I'll read though magazines like Alpinsim and count the number of women I see in photographs and realize women are only featured in ads and not stories. I'll listen to some ski bros or climber bros make fun of the gumbies, or gapers, or whatever term we are using these days to put others down because they are new to our sports. I look at my gear collection and cringe at how much of it is pink. And I will wonder, frequently, if I would be a more accomplished climber if I were male.
In the past, I've written about the choices I've made to push myself and the many voices who have told me I'm going to die. I've made the same choices that male climbers with less experience have made and while their peers have applauded their efforts to push themselves, I've been told that I shouldn't do those things. I've been told to wait, to defer, to take more classes, to set smaller goals. I've let this timidness bleed into my climbing and self-worth. It disgusts me now and I work to rid myself of toxic self-doubt.
And it's just so hard to find other ladies who want to push themselves out there. I thought I was some kind of freak because I could not find other peers with similar goals. I've found lots of dudes to climb with, and they're mostly awesome, but I'm hungry for female mentors and partners who tell me to GO FOR IT.
If you can't find what you need around you, expand your perspective.
Thanks to the magic of facebook algorithms, I found out about a film screening and panel in Portland that focused on interestional feminism and the climbing community. The event was put on by Terra Incognita media and they are such a refreshing voice in the community. There was a panel discussion and some really inspiring films afterword. Finally, the discussion was briefly opened to questions, and you have the token male response of "but what about me?" I wish I'd had something interesting to ask at the time, but I was affected so deeply by what I had experienced that night that I needed some time to process my thoughts and reflect on questions to move the discussion forward. I think that if I had a question then, it was "what's next?"
And so, here are my response to the panel questions. These are only the questions I wrote down, and I may have worded things differently than they were originally stated.
What is wilderness and what do you make of the commodification of wilderness?
To me, wilderness is that dark place inside your heart where fear and doubt live. It's a wild unknown where we need to ask our tough questions and trust ourselves to persevere. Technically, wilderness is undeveloped wild land. It's an area you can shoot your guns or let your dog run offleash. I love the wilderness areas for the freedom they give me to camp and let Ollie go nuts under the big sky. It's a gift though, and a somewhat artificial place because the native animals and people of the north american wilderness have been wiped out. It's awesome not having to worry about things trying to kill me outside.
Wilderness is commodified in how we profit off of it. Guiding companies, hunters, instagrammers, hikers- we all use it and mostly see it for what we can get out of it. I hike in the Alpine Lakes Wilderness because I want to summit Mt Daniel, I make paintings of mountains because they represent an emotional moment, most people go into wilderness for what they can get out of it.
Conservation and the outdoor industry do not go hand-in-hand. Do you really need that new laptop when the materials used to craft it were not ethically sourced?
Talk about the "violence of othering" in a warming world
This is a complex one that I need to educate myself more about. I think it's really easy for people to get on an elitism kick because they do things better. They eat a cleaner diet, they live in a city that has public transit so they don't need to own a car and don't understand how cars are "necessary" for some people. They have the money to buy an electric car and think all oil companies are bad. I think it's really easy to laspe into judgement without expanding your perspective and asking "why".
I think we have a really strong instinct for self-preservation. It extends to ourselves first, then our immediate family, loved ones, friends, neighbors, political party/church members, fellow citizens, allies, and then maybe people of non-allied nations. I think most people can't look beyond their own personal bubble, and very few can see beyond their immediate community of people who look like them. I think we need to look at ourselves as a species first. I think that "better" needs to mean "better for all" and not "worse for some".
How do you see these problems perpetuated or addressed?
I think a lot of the national dialogue that has come out of the 2016 US election is working to address this issue. People are starting to see that "us vs. them" isn't going to win humanity any favors and we are weaker divided. I am hopeful that the increasing frequency of citizen activism continues.
Your Pursuits vs. Helping someone else?
This is a tough one. I think people are doing the best they can and have really limited resources to care. I sometimes think the world would be better off if we gassed all of humanity, but humans are also ingenious creatures and technology is really cool. I think as a society we are reaching the breaking point where there aren't enough well-paying jobs for everyone to follow their pursuits- look at how automation is taking more jobs than outsourcing.
Society is due for an overhaul. I believe it will happen soon(ish) and hopefully for the better. I can't believe in a dark dsytopian future because hope must persevere.
Do you think that the "many tabs open/quick gratification" effects commitment to addressing real problems of the world?
Yes, but we must be careful when we decide what "real problems" are. I think our culture does not embrace slowness and honor process. I think we are very linearly focused on what we think a successful path should look like. I think it's a good thing there are groups putting together apps like "5 calls" because it makes things more accessible. I think that the best thing we can do is try and be nice to every person we interact with on a personal level. If you're a jerk to your neighbors, no one is going to want to listen to your speech about not dumping car oil down storm drains. And I know it's exhausting to always be nice and approachable and I'm not sure how to make being decent less exhausting.
What's your relationship with the word Feminism?
I think it's awesome!!!! I'm really lucky to have educated feminist friends to talk to in my life. I think accusing someone of being a feminist is the modern day equivalent of calling someone a witch. I think the world has much larger problems than equality between the sexes, but keeping the population divided is how to keep them controlled.
------
Moving forward, I have to ask "what's the point of it all?" and I think I know the answer. To do the best we can with the time we have. What we do with our lives is up to us, we can't do everything, but we can Care.
Edit: You can listen to the entire panel discussion by clicking this link to the podcast.
On March 13th, 2017, I think I finally found a community that gets me. There's an intersectional feminist climbing community that's small and growing and has some really cool things to say.
Sometimes when I'm riding the chairlift up at the ski resort or stuck on the wall trying for a tough move, my mind will wander into nebulous thoughts of "how did this come to be like this?" I'll read though magazines like Alpinsim and count the number of women I see in photographs and realize women are only featured in ads and not stories. I'll listen to some ski bros or climber bros make fun of the gumbies, or gapers, or whatever term we are using these days to put others down because they are new to our sports. I look at my gear collection and cringe at how much of it is pink. And I will wonder, frequently, if I would be a more accomplished climber if I were male.
In the past, I've written about the choices I've made to push myself and the many voices who have told me I'm going to die. I've made the same choices that male climbers with less experience have made and while their peers have applauded their efforts to push themselves, I've been told that I shouldn't do those things. I've been told to wait, to defer, to take more classes, to set smaller goals. I've let this timidness bleed into my climbing and self-worth. It disgusts me now and I work to rid myself of toxic self-doubt.
And it's just so hard to find other ladies who want to push themselves out there. I thought I was some kind of freak because I could not find other peers with similar goals. I've found lots of dudes to climb with, and they're mostly awesome, but I'm hungry for female mentors and partners who tell me to GO FOR IT.
If you can't find what you need around you, expand your perspective.
Thanks to the magic of facebook algorithms, I found out about a film screening and panel in Portland that focused on interestional feminism and the climbing community. The event was put on by Terra Incognita media and they are such a refreshing voice in the community. There was a panel discussion and some really inspiring films afterword. Finally, the discussion was briefly opened to questions, and you have the token male response of "but what about me?" I wish I'd had something interesting to ask at the time, but I was affected so deeply by what I had experienced that night that I needed some time to process my thoughts and reflect on questions to move the discussion forward. I think that if I had a question then, it was "what's next?"
And so, here are my response to the panel questions. These are only the questions I wrote down, and I may have worded things differently than they were originally stated.
What is wilderness and what do you make of the commodification of wilderness?
To me, wilderness is that dark place inside your heart where fear and doubt live. It's a wild unknown where we need to ask our tough questions and trust ourselves to persevere. Technically, wilderness is undeveloped wild land. It's an area you can shoot your guns or let your dog run offleash. I love the wilderness areas for the freedom they give me to camp and let Ollie go nuts under the big sky. It's a gift though, and a somewhat artificial place because the native animals and people of the north american wilderness have been wiped out. It's awesome not having to worry about things trying to kill me outside.
Wilderness is commodified in how we profit off of it. Guiding companies, hunters, instagrammers, hikers- we all use it and mostly see it for what we can get out of it. I hike in the Alpine Lakes Wilderness because I want to summit Mt Daniel, I make paintings of mountains because they represent an emotional moment, most people go into wilderness for what they can get out of it.
Conservation and the outdoor industry do not go hand-in-hand. Do you really need that new laptop when the materials used to craft it were not ethically sourced?
Talk about the "violence of othering" in a warming world
This is a complex one that I need to educate myself more about. I think it's really easy for people to get on an elitism kick because they do things better. They eat a cleaner diet, they live in a city that has public transit so they don't need to own a car and don't understand how cars are "necessary" for some people. They have the money to buy an electric car and think all oil companies are bad. I think it's really easy to laspe into judgement without expanding your perspective and asking "why".
I think we have a really strong instinct for self-preservation. It extends to ourselves first, then our immediate family, loved ones, friends, neighbors, political party/church members, fellow citizens, allies, and then maybe people of non-allied nations. I think most people can't look beyond their own personal bubble, and very few can see beyond their immediate community of people who look like them. I think we need to look at ourselves as a species first. I think that "better" needs to mean "better for all" and not "worse for some".
How do you see these problems perpetuated or addressed?
I think a lot of the national dialogue that has come out of the 2016 US election is working to address this issue. People are starting to see that "us vs. them" isn't going to win humanity any favors and we are weaker divided. I am hopeful that the increasing frequency of citizen activism continues.
Your Pursuits vs. Helping someone else?
This is a tough one. I think people are doing the best they can and have really limited resources to care. I sometimes think the world would be better off if we gassed all of humanity, but humans are also ingenious creatures and technology is really cool. I think as a society we are reaching the breaking point where there aren't enough well-paying jobs for everyone to follow their pursuits- look at how automation is taking more jobs than outsourcing.
Society is due for an overhaul. I believe it will happen soon(ish) and hopefully for the better. I can't believe in a dark dsytopian future because hope must persevere.
Do you think that the "many tabs open/quick gratification" effects commitment to addressing real problems of the world?
Yes, but we must be careful when we decide what "real problems" are. I think our culture does not embrace slowness and honor process. I think we are very linearly focused on what we think a successful path should look like. I think it's a good thing there are groups putting together apps like "5 calls" because it makes things more accessible. I think that the best thing we can do is try and be nice to every person we interact with on a personal level. If you're a jerk to your neighbors, no one is going to want to listen to your speech about not dumping car oil down storm drains. And I know it's exhausting to always be nice and approachable and I'm not sure how to make being decent less exhausting.
What's your relationship with the word Feminism?
I think it's awesome!!!! I'm really lucky to have educated feminist friends to talk to in my life. I think accusing someone of being a feminist is the modern day equivalent of calling someone a witch. I think the world has much larger problems than equality between the sexes, but keeping the population divided is how to keep them controlled.
------
Moving forward, I have to ask "what's the point of it all?" and I think I know the answer. To do the best we can with the time we have. What we do with our lives is up to us, we can't do everything, but we can Care.
Edit: You can listen to the entire panel discussion by clicking this link to the podcast.
Monday, March 20, 2017
Skiing makes me feel really conflicted.
I wish I could say that I love skiing. That it's something I always wanted to do and I took to it quickly once I began the sport, but that's a lie. However, I am learning to accept skiing for what it is and find enjoyment in it.
I think I'll write up an actual post on skiing once the season ends and I have had a bit of time to reflect, and preferably after I've skied down Mt Hood. For now though, here's a list of bullet points that summarize my confliction about skiing:
I think I'll write up an actual post on skiing once the season ends and I have had a bit of time to reflect, and preferably after I've skied down Mt Hood. For now though, here's a list of bullet points that summarize my confliction about skiing:
- Barriers to entry. Extremely expensive. Hell, it took me three years just to buy enough cold weather clothing to stand on Mt Hood in January. A good AT setup is probably going to cost more than my car. Not to mention the cost of lessons and lift tickets.
- The gear is complicated! Even as a newb, there's a LOT to learn. And then learn again. I thought I just totally sucked at skiing for my first month. Turns out I needed to buy my own boots and modify them to fit my feet and then I could magically ski. I feel lucky to have access to so much awesome cheap used gear out here, but can't help but remembering how simple it was to show up at a bouldering gym and only need a 3 dollar rental for stinky shoes. Now I need to figure out what kind of skis and bindings and types of wax to use.
- Elitism. This could be subjective and probably says a lot about my insecurities, but I have yet to have a friend offer to ski a green with me. Only blacks. Black diamonds are everything. If I want to learn, I'm referred to paid lessons. And while that's AWESOME that people make their liveihood outside, lessons still cost $. Oh! and I also my college boyfriend's mom just KNEW we would never be a thing because I couldn't ski at the time and OMG SKIING WOO!!! SKIERS ARE BETTER THAN YOOOOOOOU!
- Resort culture is obnoxious.
- White people everywhere.
- Less than ideal gender balance on the slopes. Also, online ski communities seem to have more misogyny.
- Culture of elitism. If I hear someone call someone else a gaper one more time I think I'll scream. Also the amount of fancy extras that resorts try to sell you.
- Risk of injury. Ben tore his ACL a month ago. A lot of people tear their ACLs. Generally, ski injuries are sudden and catastrophic. Most climbing injuries occur from improper safety checks or are accrued over periods of overuse and can be mitigated by smart training.
Translated into climbing terms: learning to ski is like being forced to start leading trad the first day you put on climbing shoes and no one wants to climb 5.6 with you so you have to learn how to rope solo and then you go to lessons which are awesome but really only teach you how to tie into the rope and lock a carabiner. Everyone around you is a dude and kind of a jerk who just wants to talk about how good the rock is on his proj and they learned to climb when their parents took them to the rock gym when they were toddlers before they ever had a choice. Then you realize that the rental rack you've been climbing on is only tricams and if you spend a ton of money on cams you can climb easier and you stop freaking out because now you can make good placements in that vertical crack you were stuck on for a month. Then is becomes awesome and fun!
Sunday, March 5, 2017
Life is a Strange Loop
If I won the lottery tomorrow, here is what I would do:
Put Ollie in dog camp and whisk Ben off to Thailand for two weeks. Then we would return to the States, buy a tricked out Sprinter van and plot a year long climbing road trip through the country and see all of our friends along the way. After that, we would find a city that we both loved and Ben could enroll in an aerospace masters program, I would start an art gallery, we would buy a tiny little house with lots of windows and put everything else into a trust to grow with us.
In some ways, my journey this year has mirrored that escapist fantasy. I built out my truck and explored the country, Ben and I moved in together, and I've made a few more paintings. But the reality of day-to-day life is a bit more complicated. I have sought advice on the subject of what to do next and it is all completely variable:
"You find a job you don't hate, one that has benefits and enough time off to climb a few big things on the weekends each year, and you work that and make a good life for yourself"
"If I could choose living out of a van or going to LA for work, I'd choose living out of a van, LA will always be there"
"If you don't go hard for your dreams you won't get them, what are you working for?"
I am learning that there isn't a narrative for life, there isn't a plan. There's just what happens around us and what we choose to do about it.
I want to be an active participant in my life. I want to stand confident in myself again.
When I was living out of my truck, camping on BLM land it sure was easy to feel content about life. Back in Oregon struggling to find employment, thinking about things like renewing insurance plans and whether or not you can afford a gym membership is not so fun.
I think about where I've been and where I want to go and the whole thing just feels like a mess. If I could do anything, go anywhere, I'd move down to New Mexico where I would paint and ski all winter, hike and climb in the shoulder seasons and spend the summers climbing in Wyoming. Maybe one day that will be possible. Maybe that's my retirement life goal. Maybe that's a next year goal.
But that's not the goal for now. For now I need a job, some satisfaction in life, and a good amount of adventure.
I stand very firmly by my decision to leave the film industry in favor of work-life balance, but maybe I don't need to leave the creative world entirely. It doesn't make sense to leave behind the thing you love just because you had a bad go at it. I tried my best, I worked HARD, and I was successful- professionally.
Now it's time to be successful personally.
Put Ollie in dog camp and whisk Ben off to Thailand for two weeks. Then we would return to the States, buy a tricked out Sprinter van and plot a year long climbing road trip through the country and see all of our friends along the way. After that, we would find a city that we both loved and Ben could enroll in an aerospace masters program, I would start an art gallery, we would buy a tiny little house with lots of windows and put everything else into a trust to grow with us.
In some ways, my journey this year has mirrored that escapist fantasy. I built out my truck and explored the country, Ben and I moved in together, and I've made a few more paintings. But the reality of day-to-day life is a bit more complicated. I have sought advice on the subject of what to do next and it is all completely variable:
"You find a job you don't hate, one that has benefits and enough time off to climb a few big things on the weekends each year, and you work that and make a good life for yourself"
"If I could choose living out of a van or going to LA for work, I'd choose living out of a van, LA will always be there"
"If you don't go hard for your dreams you won't get them, what are you working for?"
I am learning that there isn't a narrative for life, there isn't a plan. There's just what happens around us and what we choose to do about it.
I want to be an active participant in my life. I want to stand confident in myself again.
When I was living out of my truck, camping on BLM land it sure was easy to feel content about life. Back in Oregon struggling to find employment, thinking about things like renewing insurance plans and whether or not you can afford a gym membership is not so fun.
I think about where I've been and where I want to go and the whole thing just feels like a mess. If I could do anything, go anywhere, I'd move down to New Mexico where I would paint and ski all winter, hike and climb in the shoulder seasons and spend the summers climbing in Wyoming. Maybe one day that will be possible. Maybe that's my retirement life goal. Maybe that's a next year goal.
But that's not the goal for now. For now I need a job, some satisfaction in life, and a good amount of adventure.
I stand very firmly by my decision to leave the film industry in favor of work-life balance, but maybe I don't need to leave the creative world entirely. It doesn't make sense to leave behind the thing you love just because you had a bad go at it. I tried my best, I worked HARD, and I was successful- professionally.
Now it's time to be successful personally.
Emerson on travel:
Travelling is a fool's paradise. We owe to our first journeys the discovery that place is nothing. At home I dream that at Naples, at Rome, I can be intoxicated with beauty, and lose my sadness. I pack my trunk, embrace my friends, embark on the sea, and at last wake up in Naples, and there beside me is the stern Fact, the sad self, unrelenting identical that I fled from.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)