It's not always bad

On top of Rooster Rock in the Columbia Gorge. It's fun to have fun!

There's a lot of good to be found in the world. When we do the work to unpack our life experiences and appreciate ourselves it can be quite staggering to see our own progress. Sometimes you have to take a step back to actually see yourself.

It's almost April, I can't believe it. Time passes. Life passes. Those moments that are crushing and urgent and terrifying pass.

If we put the work in, we can affect our future. If we do not put the work in, then our past will control our future. I admit it's terrifying to transition from a powerless, passive mental state to owning yourself. I haven't "figured it out" yet, but I'm working on it!

There have been some difficult but really good experiences in the past couple weeks. Experiences that demonstrate progress has been made. One example of a difficult event was a recent climbing competition in Portland. I was stressed out by the noise and crowds. The gimmick-y competition routes did not feel like my kind of climbing. I was deeply uncomfortable during the entire event and left early after belaying Ben on his project (he did great by the way! Made it into the men's open division!) When the results were posted later in the week, I discovered I placed 14 out of 70 for my division- women's advanced. It was an unexpected affirmation that yes, I am a strong climber. Not the best, not the strongest, but good enough. It was a reminder that I've come a long way physically and mentally and need to celebrate that! Next time a competition rolls around, I'm not sure if I'll enter, but if I do go for it, I will go all the way in and give all I have. The possibility of getting into the women's open is alluring, but the real victory for me would be remaining comfortable in a loud, stressful environment and not running away.

My confidence was boosted by the comp because it provided an objective marker for my progress. I will work on allowing my confidence to come from my own faith in myself, and not a piece of paper with scores written on them. 

I can see now that my climbing really has improved, and so has my confidence. I spent one day out in Washington building anchors and the next day did my first trad lead where I was not with Ben or Gabriel! Big deal for me, being out on my own with no adult supervision... and it was great! I went with my friend Stacey, a friend I met in BCEP two years ago. We've been climbing at the rock gym together for a couple months and had a good weather window. I was super honored to be Stacey's first non-Mazama (yet still Mazama) climbing experience! We made it up and down safely and she loved it! I was concerned about the dirty and mediocre first pitch coupled with the amount of wind we encountered on the second pitch, but you can't fake a smile like this:

Stacey on top of Rooster rock!

Honestly, it was so, so, SO good to climb something easy and well within my ability. None of this 185' 5.terrifying+ bullshit that's full of cacti, rats, and dead things. I had confidence in myself and my placements. Confidence! SO good! I understand the value of pushing myself, but you can only push for so long. Sometimes a bit of celebration is in order.

On another note, I'm finally making art again. It took a while to clean out my studio (it's amazing how much trash will accumulate in the basement over the course of two years) and reclaim the space again.The creative mind is a muscle that needs to be worked and I will be the first to admit my creative mind is out of shape. After some reflection and marks that look like chicken scratches, I have ideas for paintings. Not just one piece, but many! It's as if after all this time the dam has finally broken and my creative energy is flowing again. It's overflowing in a way, but it's exhilarating to be constantly inspired for the first time in ages.

 Also, it's fun to spend time with Ollie. She's been making progress as well and is becoming a very, very good girl

The Best of Me

I led a 5.10c yesterday, that's a new personal best.


I am really proud of myself. In the midst of one of the darkest periods I've experienced it is wonderful to have a marker for positive growth.

This morning I woke up to another school-related nightmare. An hour before my alarm was set to go off I was wide awake with an elevated body temperature and heart rate. I couldn't go back to sleep and spent the predawn hours paralyzed in fear with a mind that would not settle. The panic attacks have been getting worse, and are now daily occurrences. Nightmare frequency has increased to about three times per week.

It's absolutely miserable.

Therapy and medication are helping but they are not quick fixes to a systemic problem. At this point, melancholy has become the new normal and I'm fucking tired of it.

Interestingly enough, accepting that my new normal is a depressed state has allowed me some freedom to actually progress. I would constantly beat myself up for not being happy, confident, mentally sharp, able to find the right words to say, and for not being able to "snap out of it" or "push through it" as I've so often been told to do.

I've stopped fighting the depression, I accept it, and work to turn my focus to the things I love. Accepting the depression allows me to stop worrying about so much-- it's still there, but I'm not actively trying to fight it anymore.

After months of being stuck, my climbing has suddenly improved. A period of stagnation that began in November may be over. For the first time since Jasper died, climbing was really fun for me. I felt strong and confident. Self doubt and fear were not emotions of mine. Every movement was within my ability and strength. I was in control of myself and solid. It felt great!

The months I was slumming it on top rope and bouldering actually paid off. Sure, I was climbing under my limit and was generally unhappy, but I was still consistent about getting into the gym and that allowed me to build a stronger base. Removing the mental block allowed me to celebrate my strength and ability.

It felt really, really great. It was nice to feel happy and confident for a day.

No one wants to wake up terrified in a full-on adrenaline response, it can ruin your entire day. Unless you have fresh awesome memories of a great climbing session that to replace the fear.

Celebrate when you can.

You can't hold on forever.

I used to feel so invincible.

Depression is horrible. It's crippling and it's humiliating and well-intentioned people who have never experienced it will tell you to "just snap out of it". People who love you, or who you consider friends, or anyone you make the mistake of confiding in, will tell you that you just have to push harder and it'll get better, it can't be that bad after all.

It becomes a horrible secret you carry alone when those closest to you refuse to acknowledge that it's real. The more you're told to just snap out of it and fail, you begin to create a self-fulfilling loop in your mind and the depression gains more mental traction. When those closest to you devalue your experience but the feelings you are experiencing are completely real, the natural reaction is to doubt yourself further. If your mother tells you to just push through it, or your dad says he "can't understand why anyone would need to see a therapist", or a well-meaning friend tells you to "just choose to be happy" and you simply can't, the depression becomes stronger.

You learn to stop asking for help, to stop talking about it, to stop seeking social interaction. You are afraid to be doubted and questioned by any more of the people close to you and so you avoid your friends. You avoid going out because there are other people you would have to talk to. The pain of the past merges with the daily pain and that is made stronger by the all-powerful fear of the future and you go to extreme lengths to limit all pain.

You hurt less if you stay somewhere safe, if you hide, if you run away. Your bed becomes a prison, because it's the safest place for you to be. Simple things like paying your bills on time, doing laundry, brushing your hair to look presentable become monumental challenges. There's no point to do any of it. You don't remember to eat food or drink water.

You hit the snooze button and wake up three hours later. It's a good day when you get out of bed before noon, and if you're dressed with brushed hair and a fed dog that is a true miracle. You avoid mirrors because your reflection haunts you.

Sometimes you remember what it felt like to be happy.

Your brain is rewiring itself to minimize the pain and you're not sure what version of yourself you'll wake up in the morning.