On Leading//being bold- Part 2

Remember how I talked about all the success I made for myself? Now it's time to talk of all the failures along the way.

You can't push indefinitely. It's just not possible.

In my last post, I mentioned how I have always been the kind of person to fight for the things I want in life. All that career success I discussed? Not without setbacks. That design gig I got at 22 for one of the largest theatres in town? I lost it because I picked up mono from working too much and could not maintain the intensity required to pay the bills solely as a theatre set designer without a day job to keep them going.

Not all the projects that had my name attached to them looked as awesome as they could have. It's always that way when there's no budget for the work, and you're in a constant state of lowering your standards. It sucks to let everyone down, especially yourself.

This blog post is a let down, too. I had typed a nice draft that included a write-up describing the first mountain I ever climbed, and how that experience shaped me, but my laptop was stolen before I could upload the post.

So now here we are with unfinished business and incomplete essays. What better time to talk about setbacks?

Being critical and self aware is essential. In the past three years, I have pushed myself so hard to succeed and achieve. Many goals have been reached, and the sheer force of will that I have been able to summon is extraordinary. But I'm past my limit.  I'm a broken machine who is tired and wants to throw in the towel.

My health has suffered, my relationships have suffered, and my climbing has suffered.

So badly do I want a mentor who will teach me patience and strength and boldness and caution. So desperately  do I want peers who I can grow with.  I haven't found my tribe yet of  ambitious creative folks who love the alpine.

Right now I find myself hitting wall after wall after wall. I think if I was a lanky young man it would be easier to find ambitious climbing partners who just wanted to climb. I am angry that the vast majority of climbing and hiking partners I have met in the past year have made passes at me.

Maybe I should have signed up for the very committing climbing school? But then I would not have met Ben, I would not have been around for Jasper's last days, I would not have been able to go to City of Rocks, I would not have gotten sleep or rest while working 65 hour weeks, I would not have been able to adopt Ollie. No, very commuting climbing school was not for me. But I can't help but feel an outsider now.

I have pushed and pushed and pushed. I have new skills and muscles to show for it, but I am lonely and plagued with self doubt for it.

I want to always be strong. Right now I feel weak.