The Best of Me

I led a 5.10c yesterday, that's a new personal best.


I am really proud of myself. In the midst of one of the darkest periods I've experienced it is wonderful to have a marker for positive growth.

This morning I woke up to another school-related nightmare. An hour before my alarm was set to go off I was wide awake with an elevated body temperature and heart rate. I couldn't go back to sleep and spent the predawn hours paralyzed in fear with a mind that would not settle. The panic attacks have been getting worse, and are now daily occurrences. Nightmare frequency has increased to about three times per week.

It's absolutely miserable.

Therapy and medication are helping but they are not quick fixes to a systemic problem. At this point, melancholy has become the new normal and I'm fucking tired of it.

Interestingly enough, accepting that my new normal is a depressed state has allowed me some freedom to actually progress. I would constantly beat myself up for not being happy, confident, mentally sharp, able to find the right words to say, and for not being able to "snap out of it" or "push through it" as I've so often been told to do.

I've stopped fighting the depression, I accept it, and work to turn my focus to the things I love. Accepting the depression allows me to stop worrying about so much-- it's still there, but I'm not actively trying to fight it anymore.

After months of being stuck, my climbing has suddenly improved. A period of stagnation that began in November may be over. For the first time since Jasper died, climbing was really fun for me. I felt strong and confident. Self doubt and fear were not emotions of mine. Every movement was within my ability and strength. I was in control of myself and solid. It felt great!

The months I was slumming it on top rope and bouldering actually paid off. Sure, I was climbing under my limit and was generally unhappy, but I was still consistent about getting into the gym and that allowed me to build a stronger base. Removing the mental block allowed me to celebrate my strength and ability.

It felt really, really great. It was nice to feel happy and confident for a day.

No one wants to wake up terrified in a full-on adrenaline response, it can ruin your entire day. Unless you have fresh awesome memories of a great climbing session that to replace the fear.

Celebrate when you can.